


they don't understand

by myeyesarenotblue



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Drug Use, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Pre-Canon, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 06:48:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17934854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myeyesarenotblue/pseuds/myeyesarenotblue
Summary: “Just tell them, you asshole” Klaus says, because Ben is dead and whatever Dad does to him won’t be worse than that.





	they don't understand

**Author's Note:**

> hi, english isn't my native language and i don't have a beta but i'm still crying about this show

Klaus is high most of the time. It’s no secret, really.  

He rolls up a joint as carefully as his shaking hands allow him, and perches himself in the windowsill of his bedroom. He’s gotten caught smoking a couple times because weed smells too fucking strongly and he keeps forgetting to open the window and let some air in before someone smells it.  

He didn’t forget to open the window tonight, though, tonight Klaus wants some peace and quiet and they only way to get it these days is getting high as fuck.  

He brings the joint to his lips and inhales sharply. The smoke burns his lungs and Klaus is tempted to just throw the joint out of the window and try to find something stronger. And he would, really, he would, but he ran out of money and things to steal and weed’s the cheapest and maybe, if he’s lucky, it’ll be enough to keep the stupid ghosts away. Because, fuck ghosts.

The ghost of the week is some short and pudgy lady, with unseeing eyes and a giant, bloody hole on her forehead. It’s a gunshot, probably, and as Klaus stares at the wound he wishes he didn’t know how the inside of a person’s skull looked like.  

He takes another drag of the joint and turns his head around so he doesn’t have to see her. She’s been following him around everywhere for the past couple days, always screaming something in a language Klaus doesn’t understand. He can’t stand the sight of her, of how- _dead_ she looks. But no matter where he goes, she’s always there (no that Dad lets them wander off that much, anyways).  

Klaus is beginning to relax, the sounds of the screaming lady fading out to something more manageable, no longer reverbing around his head like a broken record. Maybe she’ll go away now, Klaus thinks, or maybe not, because they never do.  

“Klaus” someone says.

Klaus ignores it. The ghosts sometimes end up learning his name and try to get him to pay attention to them by screaming it over and over again. It’s not fun.

“Klaus”  

Klaus smokes and smokes and hopes the weed still works for him even after years of trying every single drug under the sun.  

 _“Klaus”_ the ghost repeats, louder, and the voice is vaguely familiar.  

He turns around too quickly, almost falling off the windowsill. “What?” he asks, point and simple, and then he realizes he isn’t talking to a ghost.  

It’s _Ben_ , it’s just Ben. The ghost lady isn’t even there anymore.

“Klaus” Ben repeats, and he looks kind of sad.  

“How did you-?” he wants to ask him how he got inside Klaus’ room, because he’s pretty sure he locked the door and he didn’t even hear Ben come in, but he remembers something else, “Hey, didn’t Dad send you on a mission?” Klaus asks.  

Klaus thinks he did. He recalls Dad sending both Luther and Ben to stop some sort of hostage situation on a robbery somewhere, and he remembers thinking that was a weird combination because they all love each other very much and what not, but Luther and Ben don’t really talk between themselves outside some small talk during meals.  

“Ben?” Klaus asks, because Ben’s not answering.

Ben looks down to himself slowly and Klaus tracks the movement until his eyes land on-  

_Fuck._

_Fuck._  

_Fuck._

“No!” he yells out, and it makes Ben flinch back. Ben’s middle is- is torn apart. It’s torn apart and it’s- bloody and disgusting and his clothes are soaked in blood and there’s a mess of gory meat where his goddamned organs should be and Klaus can’t breathe.  

He can’t breathe.  

“ _No, no, no_ ” Klaus stumbles forwards and reaches for his brother and _fuck, fuck_ , he doesn’t even know why he does it, he wants to- he wants to be able to touch him, because living people are tangible and dead people are not.  

He stretches his hands to grab Ben’s shoulders and- _he can’t. He can’t_ , _he can’t_ , his hands go right through him exactly how it happens when a ghost tries to touch him. _“Ben! Ben!”_ Klaus cries. It can’t be happening. He cries and he screams because it _can’t_ be happening. Ben is not- _fuck,_ Ben’s not dead, he can’t be.  

He’s dimly aware of someone knocking on his door and calling his name, but he doesn’t care. Klaus forces himself to tear his eyes away from Ben’s bloody stomach, and he when he looks at his brother’s face, Ben’s got a dazed look, like he doesn’t even understand what’s going on, and Klaus can tell his goddamned _dead_ brother is two seconds away from sobbing.  

Klaus can’t stand it. He can’t stand seeing the ghosts of random people he never even met and he can’t stand seeing the ghost of _Ben_. Fuck. Klaus drops to his knees and cries. He cries and cries and cries and Ben just stands there, crying with him.  

His door suddenly goes flying, and Klaus sees Diego standing there, worry on his face. Klaus can’t even bring himself to be angry about the broken door he kicked open.

“Hey, Klaus” Diego is saying slowly, like he’s speaking to a frightened animal, and when he stagers towards him Klaus has to scream again, because Diego walks right through Ben and Ben looks so, so, so sad when it happens.  

“Hey, hey, hey, wha-” Diego starts, and stutters, dropping to his knees besides him. “wha- what is it?”  

_What is it?_

Fuck, what is Klaus supposed to say? “Ben, Ben, he’s-”  

Klaus get an idea. “We have to find him”

Klaus once saw the ghost of man that flatlined while they were loading him in an ambulance during one of their missions. The man’s ghost flickered in and out of existence while the paramedics worked around his body until they used some drug on him and suddenly the ghost was gone and the man was coughing in his stretcher. Klaus realized that day that people become ghosts even if they’re only dead for a little while, so he needs to find Ben _now._

He stands up and tries to go outside, past his bedroom. He _needs_ to find Ben, not the Ben that’s crying next to his bed, he needs to find the Ben that’s hurt in the mission with his guts spilling everywhere, and he needs to find him _now_. But Diego holds his arm and he’s- shit, Diego is stronger than him.  

“No, no, we have to find him, please” Klaus begs “We have to”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Diego asks.

“I-” Klaus starts, he doesn’t want to say it, so he doesn’t. He looks at Ben instead, his eyes are unfocused and he hasn’t stopped crying, and Diego, Diego understands, Klaus knows he understands because the hand around his arm goes limp and Diego exhales a shaky breath.  

“Oh”  

“We have to find him” Klaus repeats and Diego nods again and again like that’s the only thing he knows how to do.  

“It’s too late” Ben yells out, though tears.

“No, it’s not” Klaus replies. It’s _not_.

There are footsteps on the hallway and the next thing he knows Allison and Vanya are crowding in his space. “What’s going on?” Allison is asking, she’s trying to check him for- wounds or something, and Klaus feels numb.  

“Klaus saw B-” he stutters, Diego stutters when he’s scared “B-Ben”  

One of his sisters gasps loudly, he doesn’t even know which one. “We have to find him” Klaus repeats, and he’s starting to feel like one of those ghosts who don’t even realize they’re dead and get stuck repeating the same sentence over and over again.

Vanya nods, she looks scared too. “I’m going to get Dad” she says, and she runs off towards his office.  

Klaus is exhausted.  

 

☂☂☂

 

“Don’t say that, Diego, we don’t even know if he’s really dead” Allison says sharply from where she’s standing next to the door. She hasn’t moved from that spot since Dad took off with Mom and Pogo to check on Ben and Luther.

“He’s dead” Klaus calls, and he doesn’t even bother to look at her, not when Ben’s- Ben’s right there. It’s too late, too much time has passed, Klaus knows people don’t come back after so long. “I’m literally seeing him right now”

“Klaus” Vanya says, her voice a careful whisper “Is it possible that you took something that made you-?”

“Made me what, Vanya?” Klaus snaps. He hears Diego snort a humorless laugh and mutter something under his breath.  

“No, hold on, she‘s got a point” Allison says.

“I’m just saying if you took something you could be seeing things that aren’t really there” Vanya explains, as if Klaus was so _goddammed_ dumb he just couldn’t understand what she was saying. Klaus appreciates the _if,_ though, even if they all know he’s gotta be an addict by now.  

And Klaus doesn’t want to admit it, even to himself, but- he has wondered, sometimes, when he’s done coke or heroine, or something like that, if the bloody, screaming people following around are actually there or if-  

Klaus doesn’t want to think about that, and besides, he doesn’t think his own mind would be so cruel to him to the point of making up one the people he actually cares about like- _that._ Ben’s standing there, looking between them all, and he’s not crying anymore, but there are tears pooling around his eyes and he looks so damned sad. “I’ve only smoked weed this week” he tells his siblings, because he knows for a fact that Ben isn’t a hallucination.  

“You could still be seeing things, Klaus, weed does that too” Allison replies, an edge of desperation on her voice.

“Allison, I don’t think he’s-” Diego starts, then cuts himself of.

“No, shut up, Klaus is seeing things, ok? Ben’s not dead” she says, and it dawns on Klaus that she doesn’t believe what she’s saying, she just wants to believe that Ben isn’t dead.  

Klaus sighs, long and heavy.  

Diego is about to reply, to try and defend his honor or whatever, but Klaus stops him. “No,” he says. “Let her”  

Diego frowns at him. He probably doesn’t get why Klaus wants them to think he’s so high he can’t tell if his mind is playing tricks on him, and maybe Diego’s right about wanting them to know he’s _not_ hallucinating but- if Klaus could pretend Ben isn’t dead, even if it was only for a couple minutes until someone walked through the door and announced it, he would. God, Klaus would love to pretend that the Ben he is seeing is a hallucination and that his brother is safe and sound and he’s coming back alive and they’ll all laugh about Klaus’ fuck up, but, he can’t.  

He knows Ben’s dead. But Allison and Vanya can believe for a little while longer.  

“Maybe I’m wrong” he says, but he’s not.  

 

☂☂☂

 

After what feels like an eternity, the door to the academy bursts open and Sir fucking Reginald walks in. Klaus watches from the bottom of the staircase as his siblings run over to him. Diego almost trips over his own feet. _Jesus_ , they’re still hoping Ben is alive.  

“Is he ok?” asks Allison.

Dad looks- _fine,_ he looks mostly annoyed about his children standing way too close to him, and if Klaus wasn’t a hundred percent sure that Ben is as dead as they get, he’d think that nothing out of the ordinary happened during the mission.  

“Go to your bedrooms” Dad says, not even acknowledging Allison’s question.

“Please, just tell us-”

“Go, _now_ ” he repeats, in that warning tone of his that make Klaus’ nerves spike up. No matter how much Klaus tries to strange himself from Dad and his games, hearing him bark out an order always puts him on edge, makes him fear whatever the hell fucked up thing Dad will do if he doesn’t obey. But he swallows down that fear because _how dare him_ leave Klaus’ siblings like that? Just tell them to fuck off and leave them wondering if they’ll ever see their brother again? That makes Klaus, so, so _angry_.  

“Tell them” Klaus speaks up.

“Number Four!”

“Just tell them, you asshole” he says because Ben is dead and whatever Dad does to him won’t be worse than that.  

“Number Four,” Dad says, daring him to repeat it “We’ll discuss your behavior later, now, _go to your bedrooms”_

Pogo and Mom walk in, and at least they have the decency to look distraught. And, well, Klaus would keep talking back but- Luther is behind them. Luther is behind them and his hands are covered in dried blood and he’s staring off into space and he’s- he’s all the confirmation Allison, Vanya and Diego need, really.  

“You too, Number One” Dad orders and that’s that.  

And it’s only when they’re far away, in the safety of their bedrooms’ hallway, that Klaus notices Luther’s jagged breathing. “I killed him” he’s saying. “I killed him”

They all look at him with shocked expressions on their faces and Klaus doesn’t know what the hell went down on that mission, but that doesn’t sound right to him.  

“Luther, breathe” Allison says in an oddly flat tone, clutching his bicep like a lifeline. “C’mon, just breathe” and breathe he does. Luther was never in Klaus’ top three favorite people but the sight of him- covered in Ben’s blood, his eyes red rimmed, and nearly catatonic? It’s a little bit much to handle.  

Klaus looks around and tries to find Ben, wants to find out if he remembers anything at all about- _dying,_ because he refuses to believe Luther killed him, but- he's not there. Ben’s not there. And that almost sends him spiraling, because what the hell is his stupid ability good for if he can’t see him?

“Tell us what happened, please” Diego begs.  

Luther still looks like he’s far away. “I- I don’t know, he just didn’t- he didn’t want to”

“Didn’t want what?”

“To- to unleash them”

_Oh._

That probably explains the messed-up stomach, Klaus thinks. Ben was always nervous about using his thing, he never liked it, just like Klaus never liked his. And Dad has always pushed them all to do more, but in the last couple months he had been insanely hard on Ben, kept ordering him to unleash more and more of his monsters even when Ben was screaming that he couldn’t control them, that it hurt.  

(He once told Klaus he was afraid the monsters were going to take over, and they’d end up controlling _him_ instead of the other way around.  

Klaus told him that was silly. That it was stupid. Nothing hurts Ben Hargreeves.)

“He didn’t want to,” Luther is crying now. Klaus doesn’t remember ever seeing him cry before. “He didn’t want to and I made him”

“You didn’t kill him” Klaus says, because he didn’t, the monsters did, Dad did.

 

☂☂☂

 

Klaus is way too sober. He’s way too sober to sit alone in his room knowing Ben is gone. He can’t help but wonder what he must have been going through while- while he died. Fuck. Klaus doesn’t want to imagine how long it took Ben to bleed out, or how much pain he was in, or- he doesn’t want to. He wants to feel numb and hazy, he _needs_ to. He needs to or else he’s going to go mad.  

He starts going through his room methodically. He picks apart every single hiding spot he’s ever had and looks through every single clothing he owns until he finds something.  

And he means _something_ because he has no clue what the little pills in the back pocket of his old jeans are. They’re tiny, and blue, and he thinks maybe he convinced a creepy doctor to give him a prescription for them a couple years ago, but he can’t remember what they are.  

It doesn’t really matter, though.  

He fishes the bottle of whiskey he took from Dad’s stash from under his bed and takes a sip. The pills must be way past their expiration date and he’s heard some horror stories about that but- would it be the worst thing if he ended up dead because of some expired medication?  

He decides it wouldn’t. Klaus sighs and goes to put the pills in his mouth and then-

“Don’t” someone says, and Klaus jumps so high that it’s almost embarrassing.  

He turns around and there he is.  

“Ben”  

Ben’s sitting in his bed and he’s- he doesn’t look like a sad ghost anymore. His guts aren’t spilling everywhere anymore, there’s no more blood soaking his clothes, it’s just _Ben_. It’s Klaus’ brother, with his dramatic all black outfit and maybe, if Klaus didn’t know better, he’d think Ben was alive.  

“Why do you look so normal?” Klaus asks him, and then winces because what kind of question is that?  

Ben frowns at the ground and then looks up to him. “I don’t know,” he says “I think you’re doing that”  

And whoa, ok, Klaus is _not_ doing that. His power is dumb and pretty much useless, because he just sees the stupid ghosts. He can’t do anything cool with them, like make them look not dead. 

“No, no I’m not” Klaus tries to explain, but Ben doesn’t look very convinced.  

“I’m not doing anything either” Ben says.  

Klaus sighs. He’s got a headache. In all his years of being tormented by them, he’s never seen a ghost that looked so much like an actual living human being.  

It’s kind of disconcerting. Maybe it isn’t even Ben right now, because Klaus is _sure_ the crying and screaming version of his brother was a hundred percent real, but this? Maybe Allison and Vanya were right. He’s losing it.  

He picks up his little pills from where he dropped them when Ben almost gave him a heart attack and makes up his mind about getting high as kite.  

“No, Klaus,” Ben says, maybe a little desperate “Please don’t, I don’t want to be alone”  

And would a hallucination sound so heartbroken? Klaus thinks not.  

“Oh, Ben” Klaus says and he sits next to his brother. “Don’t ask me to-“ to what? To not not get so goddamned high on mystery pills he can’t even remember his own name, much less Ben’s- _death._ He can’t see ghosts when he’s high, Ben knows that.  

“Please” Ben repeats, and he sounds exactly how he did when they were little kids and he’d get scared about almost anything. Klaus always had a soft spot for that voice.  

He sighs, long and hard, because these days the itch to take something turned into an such an intense craving he can’t ignore or he feels like he’s going to die but-  

He can’t leave Ben alone.  

He can’t.

If Klaus died and had brother who could see his stupid ghost, he’d want to be seen. He’d want company.  

“Ok, fine” he finally says and he drops the pills into his bedside table (maybe he’ll take them later, but not now).  

Ben breathes out and smiles so big it’s almost blinding. “Thank you, thank you”  

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @myeyesarenotblue


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